Under the Fire

True Colors

Self-worth is the sexiest.

I am inexpressibly thankful for the calling I responded to starting about two years ago after giving birth to my third child in less than three years to rebirth myself. This required an intense disorientation from all the modes of operation I had formerly known. An excruciating detachment from finding my identity in the roles I had played and played so well as mother, wife, good Christian girl, etc. and free falling into the unknown that I knew held a spaciousness I was made for and could never hope to access through my nice and tidy boxes built from perfectionism, people-pleasing, a productivity-based sense of self, and shame-based purity culture.

All that detachment work is really coming in handy now as I’m suddenly and shockingly battling stage IV breast cancer that has metastasized to my liver and bones and has even had the audacity to jump into my nervous system. I’ve looked at the steroid-induced chipmunk cheeks I had in the fall, the bulging spot on my skull as well as my chest due to ports that were surgically placed there in September, the mad scientist chemo-thinned-out hair I have now, and in some ways, I’ve never felt hotter. Because I accept myself. And not only accept myself, but love and trust myself. Next level creative energy is pulsating through my body with a much greater magnitude than this cancer and izza vibbbbe.

My true colors are glistening brighter than ever under the fire and I feel the Love I am held by on a cellular level
Stronger than death
Stronger than anything
There is ecstatic joy right in the heart of the twilight zone grief
It both makes no sense and all the sense in the world